I am currently working on:

• ElixirConf EU talk
  • The talk works fully, technically.
  • Currently accidentally adding more neat demos.
  • Punched up the contents a fair bit.
  • Rehearsing, rehearsing, rehearsing. I must be bored of it if I'm going to be able to give it without referencing a script.
• ElixirConf trip:
  • Team swag ordered from the local print shop. Bringing some extras.. Quite excited :)
  • Practicing filming with a gimbal. Weird and will feel super awkward about it but hopefully can lead to a cool conference video. Discomfort and leaning into it :D
  • I have stickers.
• Video update:
  • Delayed production but I might have a script I like. No idea if I'll manage to film before ElixirConf.

Making trade-offs and fragile forts

There has recently been a variety of cases where well-respected people in tech with reputation for competence and a no-bullshit attitude just absolutely tanks their reputation with a significant set of the software community population. I'm thinking of Elon Musk and DHH currently. But they are not the first, they will not be the last. And note that I'm aware that their reputation has probably been strengthened with some in the process as well. I don't pretend to know the minds of these folks specifically but I do know they've disappointed a lot of people.

People that show a tendency of "getting results" and being "hard but fair", especially if they also fly in the face of default corporate bureaucracy and bullshit, have a certain magnetism. They show up like they have things figured out and their confident way of expressing themselves make them easy to listen to.

I express myself confidently and a bunch (not millions, maybe hundreds, maybe a thousand?) think I'm worth listening to. That's exciting but worrying.

I try to be very careful that I'm mostly kind and mostly caring. I also dislike bullshit, procedure, process and spending too much time hashing out nuances before executing on an idea. I like to push people towards action. I prefer it to inaction.  I like to push people to consider discomfort. Because I think it serves them to build that muscle.

When I do that I try to consider the person in front of me. Pressing someone who is a bit careful and worries a bit more than necessary towards action can be helpful. Helping them carve out a limited set of problems to consider can be very effective. Doing the same when what is holding someone back is anxiety, chronic illness, the facts of their life and how it operates. That's putting load on someone who does not need it.

Empathy is a skill. I am no genius at it but I definitely have some proficiency with it. I certainly often pick up when things feel off before they come to a boil. That's a situation where being blunt can be quite effective. Cutting through the social barriers and asking "Is something going on? I get the feeling we're not okay here." has helped me many, many times. That's also a type of cutting through "the bullshit", or rather proactivey defusing problems. It necessitates caring about the feelings of others though.

If you cut certain things from your life it becomes easier to do other things. If you decide that you don't care about people's feelings. Whether that's by calling them weak, snowflakes or just routing around any inconvenient feelings expressed by simple ceasing collaboration with those that express their feelings, that simplifies your situation. At the expense of others certainly. But if current hustle culture market liberal capitalism has taught us anything it is that we must look after number one and that people who don't have it so easy probably should hustle harder.

We have a cultural blessing to just focus on building our skill with code, our skill with executing on ideas, only considering the opinions of our bosses and the people we find to be efficient collaborators. This is not how you build society, community or teams.

The Major is always a good quote. "Overspecialize and you breed in weakness." Her crew did not need a completely human detective for the efficient execution of their cyborgly duties as a special unit. Her concern was that they were losing something that they couldn't see. That self-examination and awareness is often missing.

Building skill, building muscle, building your ideal self with eyes only for progressing yourself can feel quite satisfying. But it tends to be fragile. Suddenly the realization spreads that this person doesn't treat people well, or they can't relate to people, they might have a history of broken relations or even transgressions. It is building a tower. There is no wider base, no foundation.

Building competence without kindness is easy and produces a worse person that doing the hard work and building up both yourself and your surroundings.

Working on yourself, your skills and so on is good. Self-actualization and all. But you find that at the top of Maslow's Hierarchy for a reason. If you are half-way through Safety and you hop to Self-Actualization you've skipped Relationships and Esteem and that'll come back to you. I've been down that path. I've had family reach out and go "are we going to keep in touch at all?" because I was busy on my own thing. Realizing you are failing people you care about can make everything crumble. I would consider it worse if I didn't even have people I care about or that cared about me.

When my employees express appreciation for the work I do as a boss. That increases my confidence in how I do things. When my community expresses appreciation for the things I share. That makes me feel I'm doing okay.

Daring to build yourself up to be a whole person is challenging. But pretending that you are better off without other people is likely a mistake.

Who are the people you admire that seem the most solidly put together? Who are the people you don't expect will disappoint? I appreciate getting your thoughts in email or federated at me via lars@underjord.io or as @lawik@fosstodon.org.

Thanks for reading. I hope it was coherent. I did not sleep very well. My daughter kept kicking me.