I am on vacation. But this newsletter is only partially for you and very much for me. So it goes on while everything else stands still.

A particular damage

The world produces and benefits from having all kinds of people. People with ambition and drive. People with hopes and dreams. People who are content. People who mellow with age. People who intensify with age. In a more angsty mood I would have said "Life is how much damage you can take before you die" which quotes this guide on a Godzilla game for the NES. But that's not quite where I am at. But damage and pressures shape us. Even if you didn't know much damage or pressure through life (how?) you would be shaped by the absence of it.

(this whole thing relates to mental health, don't worry, I'm fine in the grand scheme of things, I don't want worried outreach. I'm well aware of my situation and there are no dark thoughts. If you are very sensitive to topics of bullying and death in the family, those are touched on here. Otherwise, do read on, I think it might be helpful to some of y'all)

My inability to stop and smell the roses is acting up again. I used to go up north for two weeks every summer or so. My mom lived up there and with little to do except walk, read, and goof off I would usually have unwinded significantly after the first week. My mom has moved down here to the west coast now and I don't have as straight-forward a path to a peaceful forrested area. I also have children. They are amazing and gives much joy but very little peace.

If you don't have an incessant drive to "become X" or "achieve milestone Y", maybe that's a trouble in your life. I can tell you it can also be a trouble to have it. I think I've gotten very caught up in the doing, striving and aspiring lately and it is to the detriment of satisfaction, being present and thriving as a person. I occasionally poke a question I got from the podcast Hurry Slowly. "Who are you without the doing?"

The more uncomfortable that question feels, the more I know I've gone unmoored. My value as a person is not in code, "content" or numbers going up. But that's what I'm hinging too much of my satisfaction on. Too often.

I was bullied throughout my youth. I was a soft kid, a scrawny kid, I didn't fight back and I dared to look weird in high school. I had fantastic support from home so I didn't internalize this as there being something wrong with me. But it put a chip on my shoulder and ensured I felt like I had something to prove to the world.  And during my teens my dad died. That started a change from being very soft and sad into being very hard and angry. The chip grew and I think my tolerance for went way up.

That is to say, if you feel like you should probably be blogging but have never actually started. Maybe you don't have those anxieties, those demons and need to be doing that. In some ways publishing things on the internet has been beneficial for me but it is also quite likely me self-soothing my anxieties by trying to prove something. A Hacker News front page is a better dopamine hit for me than a full bag of crisps. I don't pretend either is necessarily healthy.

The constraints on time from being a parent of two kids have hit me pretty hard in two ways. I have less time to do all the things I want to do because they feel good and keep the demons fed and lethargic. I also have less time to do what I should do and move through life with intention, clarity and appreciation. When I've been at my best it has been times when I've felt that time is plentiful and I've dedicated significant amounts of it to simple things that matter only to me and my closest. Baking, growing, cooking, cleaning, going outside and moving about.

If you are questioning your gaming habit, or your TV habit and thinking "I should be blogging" or "I should do open source". Know that it is not always healthy, it also has costs, it is also in tension with being a present, engaged and happy person a lot of the time.

Anyway, I need to go ride my lawnmower for a bit. I just used my gym equipment for the first time in probably over a year. We are stacking the bricks of well-being again. Life is bloody tricky. I hope you are doing your best to enjoy yours.

Are your demons productivity-centered or have you been fully exorcised? You can reply to this email to reach me or poke me on the fedi @lawik@fosstodon.org.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate you spending some of your moments on this.