Jul har blivit svårare

Swedish: Christmas has become harder

Jul in Sweden is similar enough, in the big picture, to the kind of global average of Christmas. All places and cultures that celebrate it have their quirks but it is recognizable overall and Sweden's is not so different.

This post will touch on my holiday experiences, past and present. Mine have always been happy overall, I am aware holidays are quite difficult for some folks. If you don't like holiday stuff you are of course free to skip this one. You know your limits I hope :)

As a kid it was this magical thing. Candy, nuts and snacks were everywhere. Stared at presents under the tree for eternity before the time of opening arrived. A special feeling, a special mood. Everything was special. Family, relatives. Everything was the best.

As a teenager it got a bit harder to get into it but it was still, fundamentally a special thrill. There was stuff to get, food to binge on, snacks, candy, desserts, family and relatives to love but be awkward around.

As I passed  20 I think for some time I didn't do much with Jul unless I travelled to celebrate with family. But friends would insist that I join them for going to church-singing-thing or so. I was never alone, lonely or abandoned. I got into the time off, the rest and the good eating but didn't necessarily melt into the cheer. I don't have strong memories of the holidays of this period. One angle of this is that I've spent most of my 20+ life on Sweden's west coast which can't do good snowy winter worth a damn. I'm from up north and damn I miss the proper winter snow.

As me and my then-girlfriend-now-wife moved in together I think I'd started to see that she and her family had very firmly held, structurally sound traditions. My family has been quite progressive and as we grew up the holidays took a more improvised shape. Loose, relaxed but in some ways, lossy. Their more traditional approach made me want to bring a tree into the apartment and generally do a bit more of the things I like about the holidays. A reconnection and reshaping, bringing in what I wanted.

We've since moved to a house and it is near enough to her family. We've established a pre-Julafton event where we bake bread and invite the inlaws for bread and boardgames essentially. A good time, a good thing. I'm mostly compatible and mostly comfortable with the traditions of my wife's family, the kids are of course discovering the joy of it all. We have also started to have a separate occasion prior with some of my family as we can't possibly be everywhere at once. Lovely traditions.

Heading towards the 24th (Julafton), right now. I find I am absolutely not in the mindspace. The last few months have been shaky enough on the business end that I have work very actively on my mind. There is no immediate danger but there has been a  constant sense of shifting ground which means I am busy keeping my balance and rebalancing things in my head continuously. I have a harder time being present. I actually signed some really good news for me, the team and the business two days ago. Trajectory is good. Change is still afoot though and it preoccupies my mind.

I used to be great at vacations. Just heading home and doing whatever I want for a small forever. I would game for hours while watching movies. Until I was bored with that and wanted to build something, do something, meet someone. With kids, this is quite different. What I should focus on is the delight of spending time with these tiny-but-growing hilarious people I have in my life along with my very patient and understanding wife.

What my brain is still on is whether I can make a video about some thing, what I should be writing, who I should reach out to.

And when I am at home, I check my phone constantly, like it matters.

If I can detach from all of the things I want to do and achieve and take responsibility for and just focus on the family end of my life. Then that can be quite fun. I find that is immensely hard. I have a very hard time letting go of all the high-powered sources of dopamine I have access to in work and online. I need to find comfort in boredom, settle in stillness, again and I find it very difficult to get there right now.

I hope you find the end of December easier to settle into, whatever is on the agenda.

God Jul.

You can reply to this email or poke me on the fedi @lawik@fosstodon.org, I enjoy hearing your thoughts.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.