Apparently this crowd has thoughts about CMS:es. Got a fair bit of response to the latest one which I enjoyed. I really think that it is something that is missing for Elixir right now. I'm in conversation with some of you who reached out about trying to pull together a few more hands to actually see if we can move this forward. If you would be interested in contributing, with any non-zero level of Elixir development skill, figure out a single digit number of hours per week you would be able to commit for the next 3 months and reach out.

Why the commitment? Because it helps make things happen and allows me to plan. Drive-by contributions can be cool later.

I also want to give a shout-out to Nick Maxwell who wrote a very kind tweet that lead to the newsletter getting shared around a fair bit. I call it out particularly because you might not believe that it helps me significantly when you mention my work but it absolutely does. That tweet moved a fair bit for whatever reason and beyond reaching new folks I absolutely love hearing that people enjoy what I do. That's part of why I do it, I've done a lot of writing for just myself and that's a lot less fun.

And to everyone who has expressed their appreciation in private email or DMs. Also very appreciated :) There are of course some advantages to these things being public. If you want to help my work, ensure I keep doing this stuff and generally make my day, send the newsletter page to people you think should be reading it and would enjoy it.

Client work is keeping me plenty busy and mentorship appointments are going strong. Revised a proposal today and sent it, hope it fits the bill.

This is not my first time

Decisions made from desperation
No way to go
Internal instincts craving isolation
For me to grow
- Godsmack, Realign

I'm doing a some overtime for the first time in a while. And I feel good about it. Sort of.

So I mis-estimated a piece of client work recently. I underestimated the complexity of some code that I needed to integrate with and that combined with a lot of spinning plates has had me on my back foot with  that particular work. That has lead to building up some stress about getting it done and while the client has been understanding when I've said "this was more complex than I anticipated and will take a bit longer" I don't want to risk blowing my new estimated timeline. This is all stuff that happens.

I've felt the need to find space in my schedule for more of this work to make sure it moves forward as it should. My days are very tightly planned generally. As I've written about I always want to do all the things which doesn't actually work. There is space to claim. I have wednesdays off. That serves two purposes, I take time off to spend with my 10 month old daughter and my wife gets to take a day to realize her ambitions in the garden and a break from parental leave. I could claim a full day there. But the cost is significant. I value those days immensely and I know my wife does too. I might claim one or two soon if that feels necessary but if I can avoid I won't. They exist for a damn good reason.

I could cut down on some of my standing engagements. But the cost of breaking a habit such as recording podcasts or writing newsletters is very high in that you risk losing your consistency. I absolutely don't want that.

There are of course weekends. This weekend is easter. It matters to my wife if I can be present and actually make it feel like a holiday. It would be very poor timing to just work through the weekend, it also generally doesn't lead to the happiest Lars at the start of the next week.

In my mind I had a lot of frustration building up because I did not have the time to do the things I want to do, the things I have to do and the commitments I want to keep kept rubbing up against each other and causing friction. Usually I manage a smoother weekly schedule than this. So I went through and planned my week, made sure my one-off things got planned in and that there are good chunks of time for this work. It didn't feel like there was enough time to ensure good progress.

So talking it through with my wife I decided to work some evenings, after our daughter goes to bed. We both agree that it isn't ideal. I don't expect to do it for long. But I tried it yesterday evening and while I resent needing to do it, I also feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I've done this before. Most times it was unhealthy, unbounded and stressful. I feel like it really matters why you do things and what approach you take. I've gotten myself into a temporary situation where two things I care about are conflicting and I'm taking on some pain to push through this without failing either. The family side is taking a bit of a hit from the compromise, certainly, but that is also the stronger relationship. It has been tested much harder.

Note that I'm saying pain and not discomfort. I've written about useful discomfort before. There is some discomfort in this work, I'm definitely pushing myself and learning some new things in the work. But putting in evenings to make sure I deliver as I've committed is not a matter of discomfort for some greater good. That is me having fucked up and taking on some pain to get through that.

It is important to me that this is a limited thing. This should never be your life if you can avoid it. There are times when it is appropriate to take on pain. I prefer to reserve it to friends, family and emergencies. This is more of a prideful matter and in many ways less important. The pain is also not going to be that bad.

I am aware that I have it easy overall, don't worry, well aware that I'm writing from a perspective of immense privilege. But I've also spent long periods of time burning the candle at both ends and pushing hard under heavy stress in my past. I put significant effort into avoiding it these days.

Overall this has made me revisit some habits, refresh my schedule, consider cutting some stuff and in general made me look hard at what I want to be spending time on. This is not the first time for this either. I think I need to re-align things every now and then. I prefer doing it for more fun reasons but this has been sobering. And I figured it's only fair that I share some of my screw-ups and challenges along with all the opinions. 

If this resonated or you want to get in touch for some reason you can get at me via lars@underjord.io or on Twitter where I'm @lawik.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate it.

- Lars Wikman